I definitely would be considered a PRO-MARRIAGE type of therapist. I tend to encourage couples to work hard on saving their marriages especially when they have youngsters. I say that I do "MARRIAGE RESCUE". I say that "I speak for your RELATIONSHIP which is dying, hanging by a slender thread". But, realistically, lots of the time, when a couple turns up in my office, it is almost too late. The love has died for one or both of the partners. I believe that love can be rekindled if there once was a spark. However, it does take loads of time, patience, work, commitment, etc. "It's not a sprint; it's a marathon" (another one of my favorite sayings). When I say this, I'm referring to the effort required by me as well. I would liken the role of the therapist to coaching, refereeing and playing in the game all at the same time. Wow, do I get tired by the end of the day!
Recently, I've been giving more folks than usual an "OUT". I'm almost wanting to say out loud: "Pack your bags and run". I certainly would always say this in cases of physical abuse. More often, though, folks are involved in emotionally abusive relationships. In these cases, the marriage is to a serial cheater, substance abuser or some other personality-disordered person.
On the other hand, I'm also blessed with working with scenarios that are easily resolved. Meeting with those folks is so refreshing like taking a breath of fresh air. Using Dr. Willard Harley's (author of His Needs Her Needs) point of view, partners are most happy when meeting each others primary emotional needs and not engaging in what he calls "lovebusters". For some couples, practicing this technique is simple once they GET IT. It boils down to no angry outbursts, effective communication, learning to respect each others' individual viewpoints and spending loads of undivided time together, basically courting each other again. In the emotional needs department, most partners need more domestic support (more "help around the house") and/or more physical intimacy (you know what I mean). Surprisingly, this is not as gender-specific as you might imagine.
Love the book His Needs Her Needs. I read it after my husband left me....along with a zillion other books since I couldn't understand what was happening. Long story short...he left 17 months. I never gave up hope or prayer. He came back, he wanted to renew our wedding vows which we did 4 months after he was back...he left 2 months later. We did divorce. I met a man almost 5 years ago now and work hard to make sure I don't make some of the same mistakes that I learned I made before. I try to tell woman all the time not to take their marriage or man for granted.
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